stalest joke competiition

[sharkman121]

[mitsu_chick941]

[rollingstock]

lmao @

"YOU NOT NISSAN MAIN DEALA?"

[mammoo]

Penis requesting a raise.....

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough,

* You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[searchingone]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local WalMart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[mitsu_chick941]

sheit

[DJShortCircuit]

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.

"Your husband is very sick, " the doctor said, "but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment , and don't complain about anything. Finally, make passionate love to him every day.

On the drive home the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"I'm sorry, " she said, "but you're not going to make it.

[DJShortCircuit]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car."They're stolen the dashboard ,the steering wheel,the brake pedal,the radio ,and even the accelerator ,"he cried out.
However,before the police investigation could start.the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line ,"Never mind, he said with a hiccup,"I got in the back seat by mistake,"

[mitsu_chick941]

Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....



Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'



Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad sa ys , 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'

[mitsu_chick941]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,


'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'



The father thought for a moment, then answered,



'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars.



Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars.



Come back and tell me what you learn from that.



'So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'



The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Machel Montano I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?'



The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Machel Montano for a million dollars?'
Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his Dad.



His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo

[AYE_SOLDIER]

not bad....

[^Pretty^]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car."They're stolen the dashboard ,the steering wheel,the brake pedal,the radio ,and even the accelerator ,"he cried out.
However,before the police investigation could start.the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line ,"Never mind, he said with a hiccup,"I got in the back seat by mistake,"

[^Pretty^]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home drinking a beer, watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man clutching a clipboard and yelling..

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Nelson says "Look, you obviously have the wrong man" and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose yelling...

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Mr Mandela is getting a little pissed off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back shouting..

"Look, Go Away ! You've got the wrong man ! I dont want them !" then slams the door in his face again

The following day, Nelson is resting. He hears a knock at the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man again thrusting a clipboard under his nose shouting...

"You sign ! You sign !"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks the little man up by his shirt and yells at him...

"Look, I dont want these ? Do you understand ? You must have the wrong name ?"
" Who do you want to give these to ? "

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...




(wait for it)...





(Get your best Chinese accent ready)...






"YOU NOT NISSAN MAIN DEALA?"

[^Pretty^]

i have no idea what to say on this topic, different people.......different level of tolerance[/color]

if ah break in ya ear ya go hear where ah comin from?

[sMASH]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home drinking a beer, watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it he is confronted by a little Chinese man clutching a clipboard and yelling..

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Nelson says "Look, you obviously have the wrong man" and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose yelling...

"You Sign ! You Sign ! "

Mr Mandela is getting a little pissed off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back shouting..

"Look, Go Away ! You've got the wrong man ! I dont want them !" then slams the door in his face again

The following day, Nelson is resting. He hears a knock at the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man again thrusting a clipboard under his nose shouting...

"You sign ! You sign !"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks the little man up by his shirt and yells at him...

"Look, I dont want these ? Do you understand ? You must have the wrong name ?"
" Who do you want to give these to ? "

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...




(wait for it)...





(Get your best Chinese accent ready)...






"YOU NOT NISSAN MAIN DEALA?"

i find dis does be funnier when u read it

[alvinrr]

walkin down the road mashed a biscuit

















and it went crix!!!!!!!!!

[mitsu_chick941]

A Cow, an Ant and an muffler bearing are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!










































































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

[mitsu_chick941]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission



in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.


So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?



The chief replied, 'My bike.'

[speedfreak44]

^^^
bawahahahaa

[mitsuboi]

Two Little Boys.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,'



'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

[searchingone]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.


The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.


"Hey, beyotch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"


The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up
again:


"Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"


Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.


Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.


"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now...!"


The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.


The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.


As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls

[biggy82]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti- constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE FIRETRUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more rum for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No i don't want to see your nanny.
5. No my pr**k is fine as it is, i dont want you to suck it.
6. No please dont sit on my face, i've got asthma.

[biggy82]

What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common?







































Both will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling.

[searchingone]

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ’ Happy Birthday.’ I thought…. Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ’Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ‘ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..’ I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’ We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?’ I responded, ’I guess not. What do you have in mind ?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner..’ After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ’ Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘Ok.’ I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there….
On the couch….

Naked.

[Mitsubishi Maniac]

HUSBAND AND WIFE A$$ TALKING :

WIFE ASKS HUSBAND,''HOW MAY WOMEN HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?''

HUSBAND PROUDLY REPLIES,

''ONLY YOU,DARLING - WITH ALL THE OTHERS,I WAS WIDE AWAKE....!

HOSPITAL VISITING HOURS ARE FROM 10AM TO 4PM.

[Ted_v2]

A cat sat by the side of a river when a 6 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its paw in to catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 7 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its whole leg in to catch it but misses. Ten minutes later a 10 inch sausage floats past. The cat throws itself in, catches it and eats it.

The moral of the story . . . The bigger the sausage, the wetter the nookie

[Mitsubishi Maniac]

NO OFFENCE TO THE GUYANESE PPL IF ANY ON THE FORUM EH!


Guyanese Letter


Dear Beta

Jus a few lines to leh yuh know dat ah still alive. Ah writing slow cause ah know yuh cyah read fast.

Yuh wont know de house when yuh come home. We move. Ah wont be able to sen yuh de new address as de last Guyanese family dat live here tek de house numbers wid dem so they wont have to change deh address at dey new house.
About yuh fadda.....he gat ah lovely job. He gat now over 1500 men under he. He cuttin grass at de cemetery.

Dere was a washin machine in de new house when we move in, but it aint wokin too good. Last week ah put some shirts in it, pull de chain, and ah aint see de shirts since.
Yuh sister, Parbattie had a baby dis marning. Ah aint find out wedda is a boy or a girl, so ah doh know if yuh is ah aunt or ah uncle.
Yuh know Bharose? Well he drown last week in ah vat at de rum distillery.
Some ah he fellow workers dive in to save he, but he fight dem off bravely. He family cremate he body, and it tek three days to put out de fire.
Yuh fadda didnt have much tuh drink fuh Christmas. Ah put ah bottle ah castor oil in he soup.... It keep he goin until New Years.
Ah went to de dacta on Tursday and yuh fadda came wit meh . De dacta put a small tube in meh mouth an tell meh tuh nat open for 10 minutes. Yuh fadda offer to buy it from he.
It only rain twice last week. Fus for four days, and then for three days. Monday it was so windy dat de fowl Rooster fly roun de house fuh ah half hour and ah hen lay de same egg 3 times.
Ah go write yuh again as soon as ah cud sneak ah next page outta Vindra copy book.

Love - Mammy
PS: Ah was to send yuh ah twenty dalla but ah already seal de envelope.

[Stephon.]

NO OFFENCE TO THE GUYANESE PPL IF ANY ON THE FORUM EH!


Guyanese Letter


Dear Beta

LMFAO!!!!!

[Mitsubishi Maniac]

A boy has a deep conversation with his girlfriend....

Boy: Will you remember me tomorrow?

Girl: Yes!

Boy: Will you remember me next week?

Girl: Of course!

Boy: Will you remember me in next year?

Girl: I will, I will!

Boy: Good. (Smiles) Knock, knock?


Girl: Who's there?

Boy: Buh wha de arse wrong wid you girl? You didn't jus say dat yuh go remember meh?

*Oh Gad Oyeeeeeeeeeeeee*............

[Mitsubishi Maniac]

A boy has a deep conversation with his girlfriend....

Boy: Will you remember me tomorrow?

Girl: Yes!

Boy: Will you remember me next week?

Girl: Of course!

Boy: Will you remember me in next year?

Girl: I will, I will!

Boy: Good. (Smiles) Knock, knock?


Girl: Who's there?

Boy: Buh wha de arse wrong wid you girl? You didn't jus say dat yuh go remember meh?

*Oh Gad Oyeeeeeeeeeeeee*............